Judged

I don't know what is wrong with me. I tell myself over and over again of how lucky I am. But somehow something is always not right. I don't know how I will ever be truly contented.

Someone said when everything is completely in order, it means I have not set a goal for myself. Hence, it is a good thing that I'm struggling because it must mean I am on the way to achieving something. Am I?

I have so many things I want to do but I somehow can't get started. I don't know how to get started and other distractions keep popping up. I know I have to do one thing at a time and slowly overcome these hurdles but how am I to do so when it all comes in a whoosh and expect to be overcome in the same limited time. But then what is the point of me staring into the mad weathered sky and letting time pass me by?

I keep making the same mistakes. I let my own big feet trip myself. And I embarass myself and the people around me. Then I start apologizing like crazy. Then I take a step back and wonder what the fuck am I apologizing for? I don't owe anyone any apologies isn't it? It is MY mistakes, MY problem. I'm not a fucking celebrity. I'm not Britney Spears. Leave me the fuck alone!

I feel so shitty at times it drives myself crazy. I don't know how my boyfriend can keep up. Its like I'm tearing myself up with this internal torture. I know what I want to do and what I don't want to do. But somehow circumstance seem to not allow me the freedom to choose them. It will somehow force me to do what I don't want to do and force me to not be able to do what I want to do.

1) I don't want to do my thesis - I feel it is a waste of time and it is not adding any value to anything.
2) I want to open a blogshop - Instead of wasting time researching on thesis, I could use that time to start something fruitful.
3) I don't want to go to China - Because I can't take long leave from work
4) I want to go to the US - But hence I can't take long leave
5) I don't want to make mistakes - But I am only human
6) I want to be good - But I am only human

I don't mean to get pissed drunk and stranded with a flat tyre. Why do I have to feel so bad for having a little fun? When was the last time I could have fun? Why do people expect so much of me and never give me any chance to be young and free? Why is it that when others get pissed drunk, people think they're fun? And when I do, I'm apparently a disappointment. I get punished as if I just smoked a bunch of trees and prostituted myself.

I called you so late at night because I needed help. I know you're too far but I know you have friends who probably could help. I was out of my mind, I couldn't control my emotions but all I wanted was some help... I can't believe you won't let me explain this. I can't believe you won't hear my side of the story.

I feel judged. I feel like you will never trust me again. How can I salvage a relationship with no trust and with whom I suddenly feel uncomfortable with... like a total stranger...

I will never be the same again...