New goals

The beginning of a new journey...

New goals...

1) Walk/jog at least 30 -45 minutes for at least 3-4 times a week

2) Pick the lower calory of food choices when I eat out

3) Drink shitloads of water i.e. 2 big bottles everyday...

4) Take my double x, salmon omega, lecithin-e...

5) Take my cb block before carb containing meals

6) Use body scrub to enhance blood circulation twice a week

7) Take positrim as meal replacements during busy times...

8) Walk whenever possible instead of taking the lifts...

Judged

I don't know what is wrong with me. I tell myself over and over again of how lucky I am. But somehow something is always not right. I don't know how I will ever be truly contented.

Someone said when everything is completely in order, it means I have not set a goal for myself. Hence, it is a good thing that I'm struggling because it must mean I am on the way to achieving something. Am I?

I have so many things I want to do but I somehow can't get started. I don't know how to get started and other distractions keep popping up. I know I have to do one thing at a time and slowly overcome these hurdles but how am I to do so when it all comes in a whoosh and expect to be overcome in the same limited time. But then what is the point of me staring into the mad weathered sky and letting time pass me by?

I keep making the same mistakes. I let my own big feet trip myself. And I embarass myself and the people around me. Then I start apologizing like crazy. Then I take a step back and wonder what the fuck am I apologizing for? I don't owe anyone any apologies isn't it? It is MY mistakes, MY problem. I'm not a fucking celebrity. I'm not Britney Spears. Leave me the fuck alone!

I feel so shitty at times it drives myself crazy. I don't know how my boyfriend can keep up. Its like I'm tearing myself up with this internal torture. I know what I want to do and what I don't want to do. But somehow circumstance seem to not allow me the freedom to choose them. It will somehow force me to do what I don't want to do and force me to not be able to do what I want to do.

1) I don't want to do my thesis - I feel it is a waste of time and it is not adding any value to anything.
2) I want to open a blogshop - Instead of wasting time researching on thesis, I could use that time to start something fruitful.
3) I don't want to go to China - Because I can't take long leave from work
4) I want to go to the US - But hence I can't take long leave
5) I don't want to make mistakes - But I am only human
6) I want to be good - But I am only human

I don't mean to get pissed drunk and stranded with a flat tyre. Why do I have to feel so bad for having a little fun? When was the last time I could have fun? Why do people expect so much of me and never give me any chance to be young and free? Why is it that when others get pissed drunk, people think they're fun? And when I do, I'm apparently a disappointment. I get punished as if I just smoked a bunch of trees and prostituted myself.

I called you so late at night because I needed help. I know you're too far but I know you have friends who probably could help. I was out of my mind, I couldn't control my emotions but all I wanted was some help... I can't believe you won't let me explain this. I can't believe you won't hear my side of the story.

I feel judged. I feel like you will never trust me again. How can I salvage a relationship with no trust and with whom I suddenly feel uncomfortable with... like a total stranger...

I will never be the same again...

Observations/Experiences @ Work~

It had been an exhausting month. It felt like years had gone by in such a short time. I am so dead tired everyday because even after work, I had to sit and write reports that can go up to 20 pages or more. Hence, my word quota is kinda used up. Anyway, in point form some of the things I observed/experienced during this time in no particular order:-

1) I've never stood so bloody long in my entire life. Basically, not allowed to sit for the whole time at work.

2) Overcome fear of heights. I've never climbed so much in my life. During lucky times I get to climb proper ladders. In most others, its just monkey business literally. Step on whatever u can find man. And mall ceilings are ridiculously high.

3) People can be such lovely creatures sometimes and such vile beings in another. Some are kindly. Some are utter disrespectful. But I learnt to be patient and get over it. Just be mature about it. However, I can't seem to understand why people find pleasure in mistreating others. Sadists.

4) Found out that even after you worked so hard for 5 bloody years to pay off an education that you studied so hard for, don't really pay. At the end of the day, your degree is a piece of paper locked in your drawer at home whilst out there you are just... nice version: "Excuse me, miss..." or evil version: "Oi salesgirl, come come *snap fingers*". What can u do? U can't sit there and explain "I am NOT a salesgirl... I have a fucking degree u fucking evil bitch!" Breathe Smile Breathe!

5) Parking is a pain in the arse! Here's my per day parking history in the order from "affordable" to "extremely ridiculous":-
- One Utama: RM1 (outside)
- Midvalley: RM6
- Pavilion: RM10 (outside) and once in Starhill for a whopping RM 27.50!!! I eat also not so expensive laaaa....

6) For the past month, I can eat like a walrus and my clothes still keep getting looser! Beat that ya'all!!! This is one of the best things about getting a job that don't involve sitting prettily in air-conditioned office staring at the pc pretending to work while facebooking.

7) I am learning to get rid of my wonderful sense of direction. Nobody passes 3 friggin tol plazas to get from Midvalley to PJ ok!!!

8) Confirmed that the fashion industry is indeed glamorous from the outside looking in but is entirely the opposite when you're part of the in group. Suddenly, you're either terkangkang bodoh, crawling or sprawled against something.

9) People think I am a Malay girl. And when they found out I'm Chinese, they start sprouting a train of Canto. And then they give me the surprised look, "Why can't you understand canto if you're chinese?" =.= Next time, I shall just nod when they ask if I'm Malay. "Yes, yes and my name is Fatimah bte Nanase. The name tag is tipu one!"

10) Everybody suddenly becomes my best fren. Then when they found out the ugly truth: "NO STAFF DISCOUNT". No more best fren. People are really shit aren't they?

11) Learnt to tolerate people I don't like. U never know when u may need them. Even if you don't like them, it doesn't mean they're not good people. Probably something about the stars not being aligned. haha!

12) I learnt to lockpick cos I champion, locked myself out of the room. Hey, and I did it quite fast. I'm goooooood!

13) Mannequins are hard to handle. Pun unintended.

14) Its stressful to know that your every move is being watched and judged and rated. *shivers*

Okay, there are lots more but I am damn tired...

To be continued...

20 Observations

People are indeed funny.

1) They complain a lot about their lives yet do nothing to change it.
2) They keep making the same mistakes and then wonder why they keep failing.
3) They keep waiting for a quick and fast solution yet afraid that it may be too good to be true.
4) They want to be like their idols yet too afraid to walk the path that could bring them there.
5) They want to live romance yet too afraid to immerse in its entirety.
6) They listen to people who have failed and then allow themselves to do the same.
7) They critique people who are better instead of improving things for themselves.
8) They know very well they are being short-changed time and again but exert no efforts to make it better.
9) They give unwanted, illogical, irrational advices without knowing that there are wiser ones secretly giggling at their foolishness.
10) They let little things rule their heads and thus their emotions and lives.
11) They let fear take control and make paranoia their middle name.
12) They want opportunities yet refuse them when it knocks.
13) They make rash judgments, wrongful calculations and unwise decisions.
14) They assume left, right, center and never realize how wrong they are.
15) They follow the masses blindly, never realizing that the ones who truly have a life are the ones who do things differently.
16) They like to laugh, scoff and discourage good dreams, good ambitions and good intentions.
17) They care more about people who care less about them and care less about people who care more about them.
18) They let their priorities slip.
19) They let others rape their beliefs, values and judgments by not protecting their thoughts.
20) They falter at the slightest obstacles and forget the most basic human principles.

China, here I come!

When dad announced we're going to Beijing for 8 days this coming CNY, we were all excited over WINTER CLOTHINGS!!! YAY!!! We're going SKI-ING!!!

I tried on my old winter jacket (bought for when we went to Japan 9 years ago) and SURPRISE... it is too friggin big for me. I can't believe I was wearing an XXL~ when I was 16. My sister said she was just looking over our photos in Japan and yes I was pretty darn huge at that time, comparable to probably... a gorilla. Hence, I needed a new jacket in a much much much smaller size and... lo and behold... jeans! *sobs* I have never ever ever been able to fit into jeans since forever. My body is just shaped weird. Think pear. A large pear. The top part of my body is a size 10 but the bottom is a 14! Massive difference! Move aside J-Lo, I've got bigger ass... I guess the bf is an ass man.

We went to a couple of places today - plaza sing, east point, tampines - and at the end of the day I got myself the following wonders:-

1) A super cool winter jacket, black with pink linings to match my pink sweater. HOT pink btw. Fur trimmings around the hood. No more looking like potatoes. Time to take more pictures from atop the Great Wall of China! muahahahahaa.....

2) 2 pairs of stretchy jeans from Marks & Spencers, 1 in bootcut and the other in straight. Both complemented my perfectly big ass. Really, you'd wish you could spank it. I can't believe I found jeans that fits me! *bewildered*

3) 1 pair of cargo trousers from Marks & Spencers, it just felt so spacious I swear I want to live in it. I think.

4) 1 pair of denim tights from Dorothy Perkins. Its the "IN" thing. And I predict its going to be another timeless piece. Every girl should have at least one. *blinks*

5) 1 absolutely gorgeous black dresstop with mini white polka dots and a hole at the back. Holes are great at strategic places. Gives you that "PEEK A BOO" feel. "The I'm-neither-naughty-nor-good" aura. So me!

So, everything required for China "CHECK!", everything not required for China "CHECK!"... Feels good to be a girl~ =D

My weight loss journey

I've tried many many ways to losing weight. Some work. Some don't. Here are the ones I've tried over the years.

1) About 3 years back, I was on a roll. I force myself to wake up superbly early in the morning for a half hour jog at the park near my house before I head to work. I cut down my carb portion to about half or a quarter. Mom was lovely enough to cook me loads of fish and vegetables for dinner. I manage to lose about 7kgs in just 4 months to about 63kgs.

Then I got lazy. Changed jobs. And was busy with college and shit like that that I put on another 2-3kgs. Bad shape. So I re-motivated myself a year later with the help of some of my skinny colleagues.

2) I bought a belly dance/low impact aerobics dvd and was at it almost every other night with Woman. It really is great to have company when doing these exercises. Since its low impact, you kinda get a little bored halfway through it. With a friend around, we manage to go through 2 CDs each time, equivalent to a one hour workout. Once we went a little crazy and did 4 CDS, thus totalling 2 hours of workout. We ended up a big pile of sludge on the floor. My diet consisted of lots of soupy stuff, lots of water and lots of fruits in between. I tell you, I was one really bloated child. A week into this diet, I was literally feeling the vomit rise in my throat everytime something soupy is served in front of my face. I survived 2 months and lost 7kgs. I was a happy 58kg girl.

Of course, this stupid liquid diet thingie is a killer and I quit because I was a piglet and I felt like I was going to die and that my life seems kinda empty without yummilicious rich and fatty foods. Haha! Life went on, many things happen and I was enjoying my food, irregularly doing the belly dance workout every once in awhile. Nothing happen. No weight loss whatsoever. But I gained back 8kgs, bringing my weight back to 66kgs. I'm one hell of a fluctuating chart. So, this year I look to a good friend for some advice. She is the fittest girl I know so hence, I took her advice.

3) I bought myself a treadmill. Yay! I was told to avoid all oily food, biscuits, cakes, cut down on carb portions by half etc etc. And, am supposed to jog 40 minutes on the treadmill. Yes. 40 minutes!!! I was diligently at it for a few weeks but my weight remains stagnant. My good friend tells me its cos I'm gaining muscle mass which weighs substantially more than fat. But that if I keep going at it, I will lose weight. Very very upsetting to weigh myself after some point. Feels like all my hard work on the treadmill ain't producing any results. Its very discouraging.

My boyfriend was constantly telling me that cardio isn't enough. I need to do some weights to tone up. But the girlfriends say NO, keep OFF the weights otherwise you'd get unsightly muscles. Such a conflict. I went online and did a little research. Problem with me is I don't know how to work weights!!! I have this little pink dumbbells weighing approx 4 pounds each but I never know how to use them properly. After reading lots of raving reviews...

4) I got myself the Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred video. The 3-2-1 workout is a killer working strength, cardio and abs. The 30 mins workout completely killed me on the first day. I managed to finish the complete set. I get to use my dumbbells. But I couldn't manage the 2nd day. I was utterly sore at my arms, legs and stomach. I guess it must be working! I pushed myself to go at it again on the 3rd day. TORTURE!!! In just 20 minutes on the JM workout, I had produced a lot more sweat than when I was doing 40 minutes on the treadmill. My god! My sports bra was soaked, sweat going into my eyes and nose and mouth. I was a complete mess. And today, I did it for the 3rd time. Arms were shivering everytime I lift the dumbbells. Diet-wise, I was eating like any normal person, I believe the Nutrilite Carb Blocker works as it blocks 500 calories. I take it before every carb-containing meals. Hence I was able to eat some carbs for energy. I'm Asian. I need my rice. That's why I couldn't survive the last couple of diets that don't allow me to take my rice. Anyways, after just 3 days of the JM workout, I felt leaner already. Boyfriend hugged me and said I feel smaller in his arms. I don't know whether he's kidding me but with some confidence, I stepped on the treadmill and... VOILA!! Just 3 days and I lost 1 kg!!! Yay!!!

If its really true that one can lose 20pounds with this 30 days shred video, and I'm actually losing 1kg every 3 days, I'm so going to keep at it. Lets see what happens in another 27 days! I'm on day 3 of level 1. 7 days to go before I proceed to level 2. (I watched level 2 and level 3. Its like exercise for robots. I feel like no human can do it man! Good luck to me!)

Impossible Wishes

I was visiting Woman's house last night and we were sitting around watching The Biggest Loser. Its such a torture watching them get drilled into strenuous exercises after a whole life of... slobbery. But when I look through Ali Vincent's pictures and read her story, it is inspiring in a way that tells you, anyone can achieve what they want. Quite comforting really to know that these people who weight approximately 100 over kgs can lose so much weight in a few months. What can be so difficult for me?

It is very discouraging to say that although it has been 2 weeks since I started religiously working out for 40 minutes or so every day and has also cut down a lot on my diet, I have actually NOT lose ANY weight whatsoever. =( I scoured through the internet to find a reason and asked a bunch of people. I mean, just half a kilo is at least something. But NONE??? They all say the same thing... "Oh its because you're gaining muscle mass, which weighs substantially more than fats, so just chill out, keep going at it, it'll burn your fats soon!"

Right... keep going keep going...

Anyway, after the reality show, pops The Nanny. Fran Drescher. By golly, has anyone realised that she has the most perfect Barbie Doll body? Its not like she's fit or whatever. In fact, she's a little meaty which by the way in my opinion, is sexier than lots of popping muscles. For a woman anyway. It inspired me to give my Fairy Godmother a little headache by wishing for the impossible:-

1) I want to have Fran Drescher's to-die-for body!




2) I want to have Angelina Jolie's yummilicious lips!



3) I want to have Duffy's style! So 50's - 60's Retro! Love Love Love her~!





I guess probably the only thing I can achieve is MAYBE... Duffy's style... Good luck my dear fairy godmother...